Hi, there. Welcome to Life Captured! I am opening up today about hospice care and how deeply it impacts the whole family. Writing was a vital lifeline for me during my own cancer treatments, even though I was just sending out group emails instead of running a blog like this. Now that my mom is in hospice with COPD, I find myself needing that same therapeutic outlet to process my thoughts. Since she is a very private person who would not love me putting this out there, I keep asking myself at what point her experience overlaps with my own enough that I am allowed to share my side of the story.
Today, I felt a deep wave of frustration toward my father, and a bit toward my mother as well. Even knowing how terribly I’ll miss them when they’re gone, these moments are hard. I’m writing this down to process my feelings and to remember exactly why I felt the way I did today.
It started around 9:30 AM when my mom texted asking what I was up to. I had only been awake for half an hour, spent time unloading and reloading the dishwasher, and was sitting down to a bowl of cereal. She mentioned her nurse was coming at 2:00 PM, so I offered to come over then to support her. Instead, she asked if I could be there by 10:30 or 11:00 AM to help bring food to my son’s apartment. By the time we finished texting, it was already 10:25 AM.
There was simply no way I could make a 10:30 arrival, and even 11:00 AM was a stretch since I still needed to get dressed, brush my teeth, and care for my dog. I let her know I’d be on my way shortly and estimated an 11:15 AM arrival, ultimately pulling up at 11:35 AM.
When I arrived, my dad was already loading the truck. When I mentioned I thought I was helping Mom, he made a comment about my being late “getting old.” But it wasn’t a matter of being late. It was a matter of unrealistic, short-notice expectations. The tension quickly escalated into a heated argument, and I ended up walking out. Later, after talking it through with my husband, he gently pointed out that I shouldn’t have yelled, but suggested I set a clear boundary with my parents: moving forward, I need 24 hours’ notice for non-emergency requests with an expected arrival time.
I’m going to pause here for today, but I’ll continue sharing updates as we navigate this hospice journey together. Writing these posts is helping me process the emotional ups and downs, the boundary struggles, and the quiet moments in between. Thank you for reading and being a safe space for me to share both the beautiful and the heavy parts of this process. More updates to come soon.
Yesterday is today’s memory.
Be sure to capture your memory today!
All the best,.
Debra Ellen
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Oh gosh that does sound so hard! I’m struggling with the same thing blogging wise and what to share/not to share when it comes to family. Because, yes, all their “stuff” have a huge impact on our lives too and it can be tricky to know how and what to share.
It’s comforting knowing someone else is having the same issues. I appreciate your visiting and commenting.
All the best.
Sending love and hugs. Things sound challenging with your parents. The 24 hours notice sounds like a good thing going forward.
Thank you, Kim!
Boundaries are such an important issue and we can get burned out so quickly without them.
Yet sometimes because they seem so obvious to us it can be so frustrating to set them and constantly have to reinforce them because it only creates bigger challenges when we don’t.
Having realistic expectations is not selfish it is how we survive helping others. As the rolls reverse between parents or other seniors helping and needing help boundaries not only have to be set but they have to be consistent.
They are not always welcome and it is often forgotten that they had boundaries when they helped and often still have boundaries when accepting help. Their boundaries seem correct and right, your boundaries not so much. It takes a good deal of self confidence to do as your husband suggested and set realistic expectations over what can be done and when.
My experience also suggests defining emergency.
Oh, I never even thought about defining, ’emergency’. My emergency could very well be different to someone else!
All the best.
Puh, that’s strange stuff. I wish you all the best. And I understand your feelings. Parents can be annoying I know that.On the other hand..they are still parents…
All the best
Violetta
Thank you for your kind words.
All the best.
You are really in a tough spot. I think your husband’s advice is very good. I would suspect your parents are feeling very emotional about not only the fact your mom is in hospice but also having to ask for help. I am dealing with a similar situation only it’s me on the needing help side. My husband’s health has been not good for the last three years (he hasn’t walked independently since April 2023). It’s hard to ask for help, but I do it when I need to. Your dad’s response was hurtful and unnecessary (I hope I can say that without offending you). Not knowing either of you, I don’t know if it would help or hinder to tell him so when he’s in a different frame of mind. In the meantime, you need to protect your mindset. You ask at what point is it your story? I’d say it’s now. Your parents’ end of life story will affect you so it’s a part of your life story, too.
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
Oh, Marsha- Thank you! I actually did speak with my dad. I said I should not have acted as I had. But that I was very angry. He said he was angry too. That’s how it went and we have moved on. I sure hope your husband health will improve. Take care of yourself as well.
All the best.
O My…..I understand completely…Having worked as an RN in direct patient care for 41+ years, I have seen so many family dynamics….And often, many that sound like what you are experiencing…My Mother and My husband passed away in In Patient Hospice units…These take a lot of the stress off of family members…I am so sorry that you are going through this but I do agree with your husband about setting boundaries….I stopped by to thank you for your visit!!
Hugs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble Blog
Hi, Debbie. Thank you for your kind words.
All the best.
oh wow, that sounds so hard. We had all kinds of boundary struggles with my in-laws in their later years, and we don’t live anywhere near them! So that back and forth is real, and the boundaries aren’t clear to everyone. I also have trouble figuring out what is shareable on my blog and what isn’t when it comes to my family members, even after more than a decade of blogging about our homeschool experience!
Hi, Kym. I am sorry you, too, have had this issue. Although this reassures me, I am in the ‘norm’!
Thanks for dropping in. 🖤
All the best.
That does sound hard. My mom passed 28 years ago and my dad passed 13 years ago and I’m an only child so I was caregiver a lot. I can relate, but I haven’t had anyone close be in hospice care.
I’m wrapping you up in BIG hugs Debbie.
Thanks so much for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month Sweet friend.
Hi, Paula. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned I’m an only child as well. My daughter is an RN and during her career, she worked with the senior diagnostic unit. She’s been a real help not only with my parents, but me too.
Happy to visit with you. Have a fun weekend.
All the best.